While fairy tales talk about living happily ever after, rarely do movies portray what love relationships look like in the last years of life. When people get married, they say some version of “til death do us part,” but what happens when a spouse has dementia and not only isn’t cognitively present in the marriage, but also must be placed in a secure environment with 24 hour care for their well being and safety?
Dementia is a challenging diagnosis, especially for the spouse “left behind.” Left behind in the world and memories of all that the couple’s life used to be, in the empty house they used to share. Those with dementia have missing memories; the spouses do not. How does love survive when only one of you remembers that it was there in the first place? Or when the person with dementia transfers their affection to another, as the memory of their spouse is gone? How does one’s heart continue to hold onto the love and memories of the past but also step into the future, a future one spouse won’t know?
The movie Away From Her tackles these very real challenges in the story of Grant and Fiona. Over her husband’s objection, Fiona moves into a memory care community when she realizes that she doesn’t feel safe living at home anymore. She is frightened by the changes she is aware of in her mind, especially after getting lost. As she adapts to memory care, she forms an attachment to a male resident and seemingly forgets she is married to Grant. Grant is faced with decisions about how to carry on, how to grieve the changes in their marriage, how to love her as she is and yet also take care of his need to continue his life and experience companionship.
Going on with life, and possibly having another partner, creates strong feelings of guilt and can create misunderstandings with adult children, family, and friends. Experts in the field of senior care have valuable advice:
- Communication is key. People can’t face what isn’t talked about. From the beginning, involve adult children or key family members in discussions about the progression of the disease and all the feelings involved in that decline. Communication will help them be understanding of what each spouse is going through.
- While marriages don’t end when a person with dementia enters care, the relationship as it was does. It is important to recognize that all humans have intimacy needs (which does not only refer to sex) and that the other spouse can no longer meet those needs. It does not mean an end to the love, it just changes how that love is expressed. In Away From Her, Grant learns to show his love in many different and selfless ways.
- Grief is an important step of the process; it begins with the diagnosis and continues past the death of the spouse. Mourn the loss of the relationship even though the person is still alive. Talk with adult children as they will have their own grief. And while other family and friends will have their own thoughts and feelings about a decision to seek companionship, no one owes them an explanation.
Though real lives rarely end with “happily ever after,” that doesn’t mean people can’t find a life worth living after a dementia diagnosis. Senior Living Specialists SA can help you with placement of a loved one when you need it. Please give us a call.
